Shari Leid, as a teenager heading to college, proudly chose “whatever“—a shortened version of a frequently used word—for her Mazda 323 hatchback’s vanity plate.
Now, decades later, she sees how dismissive it is to end a conversation with such a casually snide remark. She believes it’s the one word that can destroy even the strongest friendships, and she’s had to consciously suppress it to maintain healthy relationships.
The problem with ‘whatever’
Leid, a friendship expert and author, considers “whatever” a provocative and immature term. “People take notice of it,” she says. “It’s in-your-face and feels demeaning.”
Dismissing a conversation with “whatever” quickly heightens tension, whether you’re speaking with a friend, family member, or a customer service representative. It’s not just passive-aggressive; it also conveys indifference or disrespect. Furthermore, it stifles further discussion. Leid emphasizes that “‘Whatever’ is an easy escape—it halts the conversation,” and it’s “almost like telling someone to ‘shut up.’ Where can you go from there?”
This might explain why those on the receiving end often have a physical reaction, possibly recoiling as if slapped, Leid notes. As tension rises, they realize their friend is comfortable treating them rudely and snarkily.
Leid describes it as “a very selfish thing to say,” signaling that you “don’t care about their feelings.” It cuts someone off, establishing a hierarchy and implying that their opinion doesn’t matter.
What to say instead
During a recent argument with her boyfriend, Leid felt the urge to say “whatever.” She resisted, instead telling him, “I can’t talk to you about this right now.” You can also buy yourself time in any situation. For instance, “I need a moment” works well when you’re so worked up that you might say something regrettable. She says, “Even if they started the fight, the lasting impact of something so dismissive might not be what you want to say in the heat of the moment.”
Leid explains that pausing before responding to a friend or partner is a learned reaction that doesn’t always come naturally. With practice, you can respond more calmly and less dismissively. “The more we practice this reaction—especially when someone is confronting us or saying something we dislike—the better we become at it,” she says. “We can come back stronger and feel confident in what we’re saying.”
Your conversation partner might also benefit from a break. Leid says, “It gets you back in control.” Now in her 50s, she knows her vanity plate would read “Breathe” if she were to get a new one.
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