Discovering that a loved one has lied can evoke feelings of betrayal, anger, and even self-reproach, prompting questions like, “How could I have been so easily deceived?” Christian L. Hart, a psychology professor at Texas Woman’s University and head of its Human Deception Laboratory, notes, “Individuals often begin to doubt their own perceptiveness.”
For any chance of mending the relationship, a discussion is crucial—and the precise words you choose are significant.
“The manner in which you confront someone about a lie will significantly impact their response,” states Hart. He advises reducing tension and avoiding direct accusations, explaining, “A supportive approach typically yields better results than a confrontational one. Confessions are more probable when individuals feel secure, not trapped.”
Considering this, we consulted experts for guidance on what to articulate when uncovering a deception.
“I understand this might be difficult to discuss, but it’s necessary.”
Pamela Meyer, a fraud examiner and author of , recommends focusing on facts rather than targeting individuals. She suggests “initiating the conversation with curiosity, while remaining direct yet composed.” Meyer notes, “Extensive research indicates that people are far more inclined to be truthful if they perceive the other party as fair.”
Meyer suggests initiating discussions with phrases such as: “There’s something I need to address that has been concerning me,” or “I feel compelled to raise this issue.” Such openings are considerably more effective than abrupt declarations like: “I know you lied last week,” which would likely only prompt the other person to become defensive.
“I’m still a bit confused—could you re-explain what transpired Saturday evening?”
If the complete truth remains elusive, Meyer proposes employing a “funnel approach”: beginning with general, open-ended inquiries before narrowing down to specifics. She advises preceding these questions with “prefix bridges” to temper the query and foster candor.
Meyer illustrates, “Rather than asking, ‘Which form did you complete?’ phrase it as, ‘I’m somewhat unclear. Which form did you complete?’” Similarly, instead of “Did you encounter John on Saturday?” consider, “Could it be that you saw John on Saturday?” She explains that this approach allows individuals to perceive themselves as clarifying circumstances instead of confessing to a falsehood, increasing the likelihood of obtaining the complete account.
“Could you help me comprehend this situation?”
Hart identifies this as another instance of a composed, open-ended strategy that avoids implying the other person is untruthful. Alternative phrasing includes: “I don’t believe I grasp the full truth here. Can you assist me in understanding it?”
“Typically, when individuals lie, they presume their falsehood will be accepted; this phrase indicates your skepticism,” he explains. “While some may persist or alter their lie, frequently, they will conclude that honesty is the most constructive path forward in the discussion.”
“It’s thoughtful of you to say that, yet we both know it’s inaccurate.”
A primary motivation for lying, particularly among women, is to preserve harmony in significant relationships. They may intend to reassure their partner, or, albeit mistakenly, believe their untruth strengthens the bond. Kevin Colwell, a psychology professor at Southern Connecticut State University specializing in deception research, cautions, “You want to avoid inadvertently alienating them, as their intention is not to distance you, but to draw you nearer.”
He recommends employing empathetic assertion, a communication method that involves acknowledging the other person’s emotions, needs, or desires while articulating your own. An example given is: “I appreciate your comment about me resembling a male model, darling, but I realize my prime is past.” Colwell clarifies, “You begin with an empathetic statement to establish connection, then convey your point. The aim is to protect the relationship, which was the underlying motive for the lie.”
“What you said was an impulse.”
Colwell notes that young individuals frequently lie due to insecurity, and immediate confrontation is unproductive. Instead, he advises addressing the matter later, when they are in a comfortable and secure environment, suggesting a phrase like: “Perhaps you overstated things earlier.”
He emphasizes, “You avoid telling them they were entirely mistaken.” The objective is to initiate dialogue and foster a chance for personal development.
“This is inconsistent with your previous statement.”
Employing this method avoids directly labeling someone as untruthful. Hart explains, “It’s merely an acknowledgment that the current statement deviates from a prior one.” He adds, “This gives the person an opportunity to correct the situation, and frequently, individuals will be honest and reveal the truth, explaining: ‘Oh, what I actually intended was….’”
“This is a fact I am aware of.”
Hart states that if previous methods have failed and your friend persists in their untruth—despite your certainty of their deception—you can utilize the “strategic use of evidence.” Frame it as: “Allow me to share something I definitively know.”
He explains, “This alters the power dynamic, signaling to the deceiver that you might already possess the truth, or a significant portion of it.” Consequently, “they are more inclined to concede and cease perpetuating the lie.”
“It is crucial that our relationship is based on honesty; I intend to be truthful with you and hope you will extend the same courtesy to me.”
Regardless of the individual—be it your child, a new partner, or a distant relative—any relationship thrives solely on a foundation of honesty. It is unnecessary to prevaricate: upon detecting a falsehood, remind them that honesty forms the bedrock of trust and mutual respect, a principle both parties must uphold. Hart asserts, “The objective is to diligently strive for maximum honesty daily.” He concludes, “Honesty is a habit requiring consistent effort, and while often challenging, increased practice allows us to overcome these difficulties.”
Seeking advice for challenging social interactions? Contact timetotalk@time.com