Four years ago, I awoke to the realization that my priorities were misaligned. Self-doubt had been replaced by profound questions about my life choices and unfulfilled desires.
Throughout my adult life, I prioritized kindness, patience, and unwavering support. My dedication to work was frequently praised, and I took pride in my ability to seamlessly manage personal and professional responsibilities. For fifteen years of marriage, I shouldered the majority of household tasks and financial burdens. However, in my mid-40s, I discovered that this relentless responsibility yielded no true reward, but only intensified pressure.
During a particularly upsetting argument with my husband, an overwhelming sense of compromise consumed me. A spontaneous outburst on the highway marked the turning point, leading to my decision to seek a divorce.
Divorce felt contrary to my self-image. My writings championed commitment and perseverance in marriage. A successful marriage symbolized my personal integrity, much like meeting deadlines and maintaining household order. But releasing this core value led me to discover that many women my age faced similar challenges.
Generation X women often suppressed their own needs and desires. We tolerated much to avoid the destructive marital breakdowns of our parents’ generation. We frequently served as caregivers, breadwinners, and household managers, often adopting the role of the responsible, mature individual within our families.
In recent years, I’ve noticed a growing trend among women my age to question this high-functioning lifestyle. We’re reevaluating the societal expectation of managing every aspect of life with perfection and minimal support. The idea that we could “be anything” morphed into the pressure to “do everything”.
Philadelphia psychotherapist Dr. Deborah Luepnitz observed widespread exhaustion among her Gen X patients, expressing guilt over expressing their dissatisfaction despite having more choices than previous generations. She highlighted that choice does not equal ease, and that these possibilities can create immense pressure.
Societal norms further discouraged openly acknowledging the extent of our contributions. A telling statistic is the tendency for couples to misrepresent income, inflating the man’s earnings when the woman earns more. Economist Isabel Sawhill’s 2015 study revealed women who out-earn their husbands often perform even more housework, seemingly in an attempt to offset perceived power dynamics. While some improvement may have occurred, the situation remains largely unchanged.
The COVID-19 pandemic exacerbated existing issues for many women. Years of continuous work and caregiving, without respite, led to widespread feelings of inadequacy. The pandemic’s disruptions revealed that seemingly insurmountable challenges could be overcome, prompting a reassessment of life’s priorities and leading to profound change.
This self-reflection often leads to significant changes, ranging from career shifts to relocation, or the dissolution of unsatisfying relationships. While a middle-aged woman’s awakening doesn’t always end in divorce—many have experienced strengthened relationships—it is noteworthy that a significant proportion of divorces are initiated by women, with the median age being 40.
However, prioritizing oneself can prove difficult for those accustomed to self-sacrifice. A friend, excited about her career transition and return to school, struggles with concerns about being too demanding and wonders if her authentic self is still lovable.
In October, my friend Asia, a therapist, and I attended Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour with her daughter. Asia observed a common sentiment among her clients: women in their 40s are rejecting the expectation of always prioritizing others. This isn’t necessarily a midlife crisis, but rather, a coming-of-age.
At the concert, surrounded by thousands of women, we celebrated empowerment and female solidarity. A post-concert conversation with Asia and her daughter about school attendance highlighted the earned right to prioritize rest and self-care.
“I think you have straight A’s so you can do whatever you want,” Asia told her daughter.
I concurred. Hard work deserves reward, and this applies to women in midlife who have diligently contributed to their families and careers. It’s time to prioritize personal fulfillment and desires.